I’ve spent the past few weeks reviewing Oscar nominees, and undeniably entertaining though that is, the problem with Oscar nominees is that they are are so good. I would like now to turn my attention to a bad movie. The worst movie, in fact, that I have ever seen. No, it’s not Twilight, or even the latest Transformers movie. The worst movie I have ever seen is Epic Movie.
Epic Movie is one of those cruel movies that lures you in with a deceptive trailer, steals your money, and then leaves you scarred for the remainder of your life. When I saw the trailer, I thought this movie had a chance to be good. At the time I had not heard of Jason Freidberg and Aaron Seltzer. I did not realize that these two men were infamous for churning out critically-panned films year after year after year and would go on to win (if you can call such a failure ‘winning’) a putrid heap of Razzie nominations. I thought the idea of a movie spoofing the recent epic films of Hollywood would be absolutely hilarious. And it might have been, had Epic Movie actually been a proper spoof. Sadly, I was soon to discover that the two minute trailer literally contained every single even slightly funny scene in the entire two-hour monstrosity that is Epic Movie.
The problem with Epic Movie, and other would-be spoof films by Friedberg and Seltzer, is that they do not seem to have a clear concept of what exactly a spoof is. Or even, for that matter, a comedy. They seem to believe that just having B-list actors dress up like characters from more popular (and better) films and dance to Hip-hop music while making cringe-inducing sexual puns is enough to induce laughter. And, I am sorry to say, they are horribly wrong. This film wanders aimlessly from dance number to dance number, from penis gag to penis gag without any sort of logic or reason. Characters pop in and out for no reason other than that the writers wanted to squeeze in as many pop culture references as they could. Jack Sparrow shows up in the middle of the climactic battle on a giant wheel because he was on a giant wheel in the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie. How a giant wooden wheel got onto a battlefield, and why he is riding on it, we are never told, and by that point, having endured more than an hour of this tripe, we know not not even bother asking. Epic Movie has nothing at all to say about the movies it purports to spoof, and I have to wonder if the screenwriters of Epic Movie have even seen Narnia, or Superman. Or any movie at all. If they had, they might have realized that most movies contain certain key elements, and made an effort to incorporate those elements into their films. Things like likable protagonists. Or a plot.