Hollywood is running out of ideas. Rather than getting creative and popping out more movies like Inception, it seems as though filmmakers have opted to take the short and easy path. That is why we are in for such ridiculousness as Battleship: the movie. This is, believe it or not (and I can’t blame you if you don’t), indeed based on the Hasbro game of the same name. The marketing geniuses behind this film want you to know this, so they made sure to make the font on the movie poster exactly the same as the font on the game box. This seems to me to be a questionable marketing strategy, because it presupposes that people will want to see a movie based on a children’s game where you stick red and white pegs in a plastic grid. However I am not an expert in advertising or sales, so I can only assume these people understand the minds of the American people better than I do.
The height of edge-of-your-seat story -telling.
So what exactly is this movie going to consist of? Two admirals shouting out coordinates for two hours while the screen is filled by mindless explosions (probably in 3D)? While I have no doubt that Christopher Nolan or someone could turn this into a deep psychological thriller about fear, helplessness, and the cruelty of war, I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.
Maybe a battleship within a battleship within a battleship…
Still, this could somehow turn out to not be ridiculous. Just cause it was inspired by a game that’s about as prone to cinematic adaptation as a banana doesn’t mean it can’t be good. I mean, they could just be using the brand name to draw people in to see a sweeping historical war epic about World War II. Like Saving Private Ryan, except in the ocean.
Wait, there’s aliens in this movie? What?
I musth have been playing Battleship wrong as a kid, because I don’t remember any aliens. All I remember there being is five boats: the battleship, the submarine, the big long one that always gets sunk first, the ***ing little one that you could never find, and that other one that was like the submarine except with more bumps on top. So I got the game out just to make sure, and no, there weren’t any aliens. I even pulled the grid out to see if they were hidden behind it, like a secret easter egg or something. Alternative gameplay versions for bonus fun? No luck.
So maybe this isn’t based on the game at all, despite what they say. Maybe this is really some sort of sequel to cowboys and aliens. Battleships and Aliens? If so, I suggest they make this a trilogy. The final installment will be called Any Shit We Can Cram In There and Aliens and will feature Harry Potter and Magneto using the Time Machine from Back to the Future in order to stop the Death Star from destroying the earth by enlisting the help of Captain Picard.
Seriously? Is this what we have come to? Ten years ago, no one would have taken the idea of a movie based on a Hasbro game about Ra’s al Ghul on a battleship fighting what looks like a gunship from Avatar seriously. No one would have dared suggest such a face-palmingly absurd idea for a big-budget blockbuster movie for fear of losing their job. The fact that people are treating this as a legitimate premise for a film is cause for concern. I mean, for God’s sake, next thing you know they’ll be making a movie out of Monopoly.